As I look out of the window this Sunday morning, I see change all around me, from the trees changing colors, to the birds migrating from location to another like they are commanded to do. But somehow I'm not going forward as I'm commanded to do. Grief has me frozen in time and in one season, it's not that I'm being willfully disobedient to the voice of God, its just that I seem to be standing in the quick sand of pain and life, you see my feet are going through the motions of moving forward but my heart and mind are in a different place, season and time. I see my sons but only in my dreams. They are growing up in my dreams and need a constant mothers love attention and advice. But then I awake only to realize that once again its only a dream and none of those things will ever be realized again on this side of heaven. They no longer need my guidance or attention. But yet there is so much more of it all in me to give to them, bc they are and will forever be my sons. So my question is where and who as a mother do I direct all of this love, time, and attention too? Because that which I want to give God thoroughly designed that for me to give to my sons, even my daughters cant receive that from me because the love that I give to them and share with them were designed for daughters, its different but the love and impact are the same. I said all of that to say I'm getting full from the need to release this love filling up inside of me for my sons. So I guess you may be asking the question well what do you do? and the answer is simply.... I WORSHIP! because its the only thing I can share with my sons simultaneously that we can join in together at any moment at anytime anywhere, you see while I'm worshiping so are they in heaven all of the time! So while the seasons maybe changing and time going on My worship is constant with my sons. Glory!!!!
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
Sometimes I often wonder how dare the rest of the world keep on going, all while mine has seem to stop, I'm often envious of other peoples laughter, their joy and their smiles and how they seem to be enjoying life from afar, while feeling like mine is over in a sense. Not only am I grieving the lost of our sons, I'm grieving the old me as well, the me I use to be. I miss feeling normal, I've become accustomed to feeling a weight I cant explain from day to day, and when I have a split second of happiness that now feels abnormal to me, along with a crazy sense of gulit. I look at our oldest daughter from afar begin to smile again for a split second, and it soothes my soul. I watch Michael begin to find comfort in something as simple as watching sports again, something he shared with our youngest son Scooby, and I'm happy that hes doing something familiar and dear to him. Then I watch Vaeh our baby girl how shes growing and changing, yet not a day goes by that she doesn't call out her brothers name through the house with her little voice, and she so joyful doing it, that it comforts us and makes us smile all while her timing and the reason for her birth is being realized for this season in our lives. So day by day things are getting better in small ways and for that I'm greatful, and I'm sure it will continue as we watch the miracle of our sanity remain manifested, our smiles increase and our hopes realized, min by min, hour by hour, day by day, and prayerfully year by year, with the constant knowing that our sons are in heaven cheering us on and awaiting our arrival someday!
Thursday, September 15, 2016
I've been trying to out run my grief for 8 weeks now, but oh how it feels like eternity, I've literally been going nowhere fast. Its like he faster I run the closer it is behind me, on top of me, and under me. It feels like a million pound gorilla is sitting on my chest and he's enjoying being there. I'm watching my daughter Mikeia become someone new, I'm passing Michael in traffic knowing he's running too, there seems to be no peace or shall I say no rest at the Inn for us nowhere. There is this silence and hurt that we all share but our experience in and with this is so very different, but our pain is GREAT the same!There is this silence of hurt, anger, longing and lost, it speaks so very loud in our home to the point it pierces our hearts and ears but most of all our souls. Even as I type my emotions are all over the place, I'm thinking of how the scent of our sons are leaving our home drifting away with time. But they are in our hearts and on our minds 24/7. I truly feel that there is nothing in the world nobody can do or say to hurt me or make me or my family feel as bad as we already do, nothing. Oh but when I feel that there is no prayer that I can pray that my heart can even convey to God, and all I can do is stare, or sit and cry, my lips somehow begin to move and my voice slowly rises just enough to say JESUS and immediately he quiets my soul and releases this healing balm within me that I may never be able to explain, and I'm strengthen just enough for another single day, and so Is Michael, Mikeia and Nevaeh. Truly the prayers of the righteous availeth much!
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
I'm sitting here at my kitchen table reflecting on the last day we were at the hospital, and how I was so dreading the ride home that afternoon, I was thinking all of these things while walking away from the trunk of the car getting my son Mikease bag from the car with his clothing in it so my sister could begin to clean him up, and prepare him for the undertakers to come pick him up and transport him to the funeral home. All I could say in my mind was my Lord Jesus HELP US! I'm also thinking what a strong woman my sister is to be able to take her nephews lifeless body and wash him up as a newborn baby with all of the love in heart that she has for him, but yet separate the two just for a moment to be professional and strong all at the same time. My sisters profession is nursing but I'm sure nothing in the world could have ever prepared her for this, but she wanted to be the one to do it, and do it right and with love for the very last time. That was the least she could do I'm sure that was what her heartfelt, and I know he would have preferred her to do it over the nurses there that he didn't know, respectfully. So I'm in the hallway outside of his room in the PICU going through his bag that he himself packed just the night before, smelling his T shirt that he was going to wear filled with his scent and cologne, rubbing my fingers across his socks and looking at his pants over and over again, waiting for my sister to finish getting him ready. 15 to 20 min later the time had come for us to see him off of the ventilator completely dressed and prepared to leave the hospital for his final ride from the beach, a place that loved so dearly. I would have never thought a place the he so loved and lived by he would later die by. My son was truly a water boy, always playing around in water all of the time. I think it was a place of serine and serenity for him, you would have had to know him to understand that last sentence. Like I was saying the time had come for us to walk in to see him, I have to admit I was nervous and a little afraid, but when I walked in and saw my son lying there I was in complete aww! There was a glory cloud that hovered over him and all around the room and the most sweetest presences I've ever felt in my life! I've never seen Mikease look so handsome in all of his days, and there was a single ray of sunshine that only shined on him as if it was a spot light. His natural body was in glory and so was his spirit, I just stared at my son in that moment but I couldn't shed a single tear bc my soul was being ministered to silently as the worship music behind his bed played ever so softly and continuously. He was all ready to go he was dressed from head to toe as if it was his first day to school, his hair was perfectly laid and my sister had it brushed just the way he liked it as his shell also known as Mikease lay. You see his house was now empty but filled again in his glorious body in heaven and it was well with my soul.
Isaiah 57:1 (NLT)
Monday, August 29, 2016
I wish I could honestly say that when I woke up the morning of July 7,2016 all that my family and I just experienced was one bad nightmare and the next morning was just fine, but once again it was only a wish, I would even say that it was a prayer. I really didn't know where to start, my family was ripped into pieces as if a hurricane just came through and tore us all up one by one. My oldest son lay upstairs in PICU in critical condition and it has been almost 24 hours later and my youngest sons body still haven't been found in that big vast ocean, my daughter was rescued out of the ocean and she was alive but yet remained mentally in the ocean with my sons, so she wasn't with us either. My husband was distraught that one of his sons had just disappeared out to sea, and the other lay with his life seemingly in the balance, all while we both knew in our hearts that our oldest son had already transitioned to heaven the day before on his birthday, hopeful or wishing that God would come thorough and give us a miracle and raise our son up. Needless to say God didn't and we were left asking God why didn't he and why didn't he at least allow our son to be found for closure, But we were surrounding by a strong support system of family and friends naturally and spiritually to help see us through, God strategically designed it this way. Now on to the next day or week one or two, all depends on when I will have the strength mentally and emotionally to blog again, but I know God will strengthening me to do so for his glory, so I choose to tell my story. To be continued...