Sometimes I often wonder how dare the rest of the world keep on going, all while mine has seem to stop, I'm often envious of other peoples laughter, their joy and their smiles and how they seem to be enjoying life from afar, while feeling like mine is over in a sense. Not only am I grieving the lost of our sons, I'm grieving the old me as well, the me I use to be. I miss feeling normal, I've become accustomed to feeling a weight I cant explain from day to day, and when I have a split second of happiness that now feels abnormal to me, along with a crazy sense of gulit. I look at our oldest daughter from afar begin to smile again for a split second, and it soothes my soul. I watch Michael begin to find comfort in something as simple as watching sports again, something he shared with our youngest son Scooby, and I'm happy that hes doing something familiar and dear to him. Then I watch Vaeh our baby girl how shes growing and changing, yet not a day goes by that she doesn't call out her brothers name through the house with her little voice, and she so joyful doing it, that it comforts us and makes us smile all while her timing and the reason for her birth is being realized for this season in our lives. So day by day things are getting better in small ways and for that I'm greatful, and I'm sure it will continue as we watch the miracle of our sanity remain manifested, our smiles increase and our hopes realized, min by min, hour by hour, day by day, and prayerfully year by year, with the constant knowing that our sons are in heaven cheering us on and awaiting our arrival someday!